You're not just marrying your Fiancé!

….. you are marrying into his or her family and it’s in everyone’s interest if you purposefully focus on building a positive relationship with them. 

Pre-wedding planning can often cause relationships to become strained.  However, this can also be an ideal time to put extra effort into ensuring you and your partner’s family get along together. The groundwork for a long and positive relationship is thus begun.

Your partner is very likely to feel loyalty towards their family so complaining about them is going to put him or her in a difficult position and potentially be faced with making a choice. Perhaps not the best way to show your partner how much you love them. 

Instead, why not focus on getting to know your new family, finding the value in what they bring to your life and the benefits of the relationship you and your partner can build with them.  It is likely to be a long one, like your marriage, so is worth cultivating.

When it comes to the wedding, if they offer advice or ideas – why not at least listen?  Thank them and promise that you will think about their suggestions.  If you were to take on board at least 10% of what they say, what could that be?  Make sure you get back to them and let them know. 

Think about what could be prompting their desire to be involved, rather than focussing on what you don’t like about what they’re saying.  Perhaps they are trying to escape their own issues and no doubt they want to feel useful and involved. Can you feel some compassion and gratitude?  

Often, interfering in-laws genuinely want to help, they just don’t know when to stop.  Remember – it’s not their fault if they don’t know your boundaries.  This is your opportunity, with your partner, to agree your boundaries and gently and patiently explain them to your in-laws.  This can be positive groundwork for the future.

For example - you’d love to speak to them regularly but can’t quite manage every day.  Twice a week would work though.  You’d love them to help with the wedding and would appreciate them taking on something specific.  Can you let go of a small part of the wedding and give it to them to be completely responsible for?  Will it really matter if the place cards are not exactly as you would like or the favours for the guests don’t quite colour coordinate with the flowers?  The benefit of your in-laws feeling valued and involved would outweigh any clash of colour or other mis-match!

Whilst this might feel like the most important day of your life, it is only one day.  Think beyond it and see how important your in-laws could be to your future – not just when you need to borrow money or are stuck for a babysitter but by being an important part of the support network for you and your new spouse.   Just as importantly, remember that they are responsible for nurturing the wonderful person you are about to marry. They must have done something right!

Will you settle for Excellence in 2013?

Hands up if you’re a perfectionist? I am – or rather – I used to be.

I used to think my need to be perfect came from my Father. There are only a few professions where anything less than perfection is completely unacceptable. Pilots and Air Traffic Controllers, for example, don’t have a lot of room for error in their work – my Father enjoyed both professions!

However, I can’t really blame Dad for my perfectionism. I remember him saying instead “I will be proud of you, as long as you do your best”. He never actually asked me to be perfect. I’m the only one who’s ever done that and although, for the most part, I’ve mastered that constraining facet of my personality, occasionally it does re-emerge.

I noticed three mistakes in our newsletter last month after it had gone out. Shock, horror – my initial reaction was to feel mortified. I had failed to be perfect.

Our need to be perfect is connected to how we want others to see us – we want to be liked, respected, valued, loved…..the list goes on. However, rather than assume people will judge me by the mistakes I make, I have learned to assume that they will see the good in what I do instead. This doesn’t mean that no-one will be judging me (or our newsletter!) and if they are, that’s their business. Worrying about it won’t help.

I’ve always been driven to achieve, however I now strive for excellence rather than perfection – not just in the results I aim for but in who I want to be en route to achieving them. By focussing on improving and making the most of the journey, I have gone on to achieve, not only many of the goals I’ve strived for, but also things I never even dreamed of. That’s been the prize for abandoning perfectionism.

Perfectionism is often the cause of procrastination and even stagnation. So many people are afraid to make a change in their life for fear of failure and so do nothing different. They become comfortable in their discomfort. Do you want that to be true of you in 2013? I certainly don’t.

Once you risk failure and take a step forward, you give yourself an opportunity. Ask Kath Grainger whether she would agree it was worth risking failure when she decided to continue towards her dream of an Olympic gold medal in London. The key is to learn from mistakes not dwell on them. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work” said Edison.

These musings helped make the initial reaction to my mistake a distant memory. My preferred stance (and generally one I take more readily these days) is that I’m not settling for mediocrity but I am striving for excellence. In doing so, I stick my head above the parapet, take risks, sometimes make mistakes and, dare I say it, fail.

I see everything I do as an opportunity for learning and growth – whether it’s about the task at hand or my own personal development.

Now I can smile at my mistakes. I do pride myself on having a great eye for detail though. Maybe I need to encourage someone else in my team to proof read the newsletter next time. One of the typos was in a piece about our recent Christmas Networking Event. A colleague reminded me how successful the event had been. Who would remember the details of a piece in a newsletter when they have their experience of a great evening to remember? Good point.

I do still have that initial gut reaction – ouch – when I make a mistake, but it doesn’t last long. I just ask myself; did I at least take action, despite risking failure and did I do my best? For the most part, the answer is yes. Thanks Dad for your words of wisdom.

Does your Impact match your Intention?

A friend of mine used to get frustrated with me whenever I tried to help him with his business proposals. I just couldn’t understand why these conversations would degenerate into him becoming defensive and my feeling hurt. I was only trying to help!

We seem to assume that because we have a good intention, it will be reflected in the impact we have. We judge ourselves by our intent and if the impact doesn’t match it, we are confused.

If you are clear on your intention and yet your impact on another is a surprise, ask yourself what you could have done differently. Be honest with yourself.

I considered the impact I seemed to have had on my friend and whilst I was clear that my intention truly was to help him, I decided that perhaps my tone didn’t reflect that – I did have a tendency to sound a bit like a school ma’am sometimes! When I thought about why that might be, I realised I felt a bit impatient with him and that my impatience was being communicated in my tone.

Sometimes, it may be that your intention is not exactly what you first think it is.

In a coaching session once, a client was telling me how she regularly complained to her husband about him not helping with the housework and yet it got her nowhere. She wanted him to realise how thoughtless he was. “What do you really want?” I asked her. “I want him to know I feel taken for granted” she said quickly. “What do you really want?” I repeated slowly, with an emphasis on the “really”. She was silent for a moment and looked down. Finally, when she looked up she admitted “I want to feel appreciated and I want us to be a team”. That was her REAL intention. I asked her to consider what she would do and say differently with that intention in mind, rather than complaining about her husband’s avoidance of housework.

If you can increase your own awareness to find out what your REAL intention is, you will often find it is “towards” something positive rather than “away from” something negative. My client’s real intention was to feel appreciated and be a team with her husband rather than just to have him not be thoughtless. If you commit to a positive intention and keep it in mind throughout any conversation (and maybe, a whole relationship) you are more likely to have the impact you want. Keep checking your thoughts, feelings, words and actions are in alignment with it.

We judge ourselves by our intention and yet we judge others by their impact. Be sensitive and respectful if you give someone feedback on their impact. Consider their intention and be careful not to criticise. Ask for what you would like from them, rather than complain about what you don't like!

Think back to when you have criticised – what was the outcome? I’m guessing not generally very positive. However, if you get genuinely curious about the other person’s intention and what lead them to take the action you are criticising, you might understand more and consequently feel more empathy. Really listen to their perspective - put yourself in their shoes and take care not to get defensive.

Notice how you are feeling before you go into any interaction and be honest with the other person if you think your feelings might impact what you’re about to say. If your feelings are not going to support your intention, its best to deal with them before you have the conversation. If you use a critical and angry tone to ask why someone has done something, all they will hear is your criticism and anger, even if what you say is reasonable. Let them know your intention and remember, you may think you can hide your feelings by saying something “the right way”, but think again if your impact doesn’t match your intention!

Increasing your Awareness increases your Choices in Relationships

Have you ever felt really annoyed with someone? ……….even angry or seriously p****d off?

Think about what happens to you when you get angry?

• What happens in your body? Does your heart rate increase?
• What’s in your mind? How dare they? I have to leave?...........or worse?
• What do you say? Something sarcastic or contemptuous?  

Is the situation helped by your anger or annoyance? Maybe. They are not necessarily bad feelings – they can motivate us or give us courage to say what needs to be said.

Think about the impact though on you, the other person and the relationship. It might feel good for a while to let all that emotion out, but if the impact is not so good and there is a price to pay for your anger, then perhaps its time to consider a different response.

There are lots of options and the following are just a few:

• Next time you feel yourself getting angry, notice what you are thinking. Our feelings and our actions are led by our thoughts, so it’s a good idea to learn to become aware of your thoughts.

      o Are you making some assumptions or misinterpreting something?
      o Are you convinced you are right and the other person is wrong? Could you both be right?
      o Are you acting both as judge and jury and finding the other “Guilty”.

• Ask yourself if you need more information or if you could be mistaken.

• Take a few moments to breathe deeply and focus your thoughts on something else – perhaps your surroundings or what you did last night, until you feel calmer.

• If your mind feels stuck on the situation making you angry, try thoughts of genuine curiosity “I wonder why they did that” “What were they trying to achieve?” “What did they mean?”

• Ask yourself what you want to achieve and whether an expression of anger is the best way.  If anger is definitely what you want to express, consider carefully how to do so.

Awareness is the part of us that observes how we are behaving / thinking / feeling. The more awareness we have, the more choices we have about how we respond to people and situations.

How can Women become More Powerful Networkers?

A colleague sent me an article today from The Times, titled "Why women are such bad networkers". The premise for the article was actually "Women are not natural networkers".

I would partially agree with the female journalist – but only partially.

Following years networking in a mixed gender environment, last summer I started to attend women-only groups. What a relief.

Spending most of my networking time with people who appreciate the value of building relationships is like a breath of fresh air. Generally, the women I meet are not just interested in talking about their product or service; they want to know me and have me know them. It’s refreshing to be part of a conversation where both of us are curious to know more about, not just what we each do, but why and how we do it. This has rarely been my experience networking with men.

Women seem more willing to get to know each other on a 1-1 basis too, which becomes important in developing trust.

Knowledge and trust are likely to be significant in any future business dealings we may have with each other and crucial if we are to feel comfortable referring on to third parties.

Where I do believe the Times' journalist has a point in her indictment of women's ability to network, is in her observation that "we are more likely than our male peers to hide our talents". She's right. Men do appear to have got over that terribly British affliction of being frightfully modest, so why can't we?

I think we need to start changing some of our assumptions and fears about what others might think about us if we publicly declare our skills, qualities and values.

Think about what would compel you to do business with someone else or refer them on. Just knowing what they do? Or also knowing they have integrity and are enthusiastic, talented and well-thought of?

Well, they are likely to want to know that about you too but how can they if you don’t tell them?

Come on girls - we're natural relationship builders so let’s get over ourselves and show people what we’re made of so we become natural networkers too.

We need to replace our modesty with confidence and our fear of derision by a belief that people want to know about our talents. To quote Marianne Williamson: “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"